The Nobody Chronicles: Chapter One (part three)

          After breakfast, which was, per usual, wrought with snide backhanded compliments from my mother and lame, slightly inappropriate jokes from my father, I endured the fifteen-minute drive to H.E.L.L listening to the sounds of my sister sucking the face of her new boy toy. Now, if there is one thing worse than having to drive someone around like a chauffer while they sit in the backseat listening to music and pretending you don’t exist, it’s driving someone around like chauffer and having them rub in your face the very patheticness that is your own miserable romantically dry life.

       Needless to say, by the time we finally pulled into the parking lot I was in a less than chipper mood, which was only intensified by the fact that my sister insisted on waiting for me to open the door for her before finally detangling herself from what’s-his-name and climbing out of the backseat with a sickening grin on her face. I mean, I guess deep down I know she doesn’t do it on purpose or whatever, but I swear it seems like my sister goes out of her way to remind me that she’s getting some and I most certainly am not.

       Anyway, with a momentary glare to remind my sister that without me she was stuck walking home, I began my rehearsed strut across the parking lot. Okay so you know when you watch a show like America’s Next Top Model and you hear Miss J critiquing the girls on their walk and you think to yourself “hell! I could so totally do that” and then you practice your runway walk when you think nobody is watching? Or, like, when you’re listening to a song with a really awesome beat and you feel the need to keep your steps in time to the music but, of course, nobody else can hear it so you just look kinda stupid but you’re blissfully unaware of this fact and are convinced you look like the white reincarnation of Tyra Banks? Yeah, well, let’s just say, I know those scenarios extremely well.

       So, there I was, making my way down the catwalk that is the H.E.L.L parking lot, when something unreal happened.  As always, the most popular kids in school, particularly one gorgeous boy who shall remain nameless, were all seated on a bench right outside the main office looking like something out of a CW series and smiling like they’re advertising some sort of new toothpaste. Seriously though, these kids might as well have woken up this morning and crawled off the pages of a Seventeen magazine spread. But whatever, there I was, pretending I wasn’t watching them and wishing that they were just plain, old watching me, when it hit me.

       Literally though. I was so distracted by a certain boy’s stunning smile that I inadvertently made a much closer connection to an equally uninterested party, the wall. Yep, there I was, flat on my back, looking up at the gum covered overhang of the main building, rubbing a hand on my forehead, and what seemed like the entire school was standing over me, laughing their faces off like I was one of those dancing, psycho dogs off of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

       Of course, as this is happening, I’m just thinking to myself, in between wondering how the hell so much gum got on to the roof of this building, "oh my freaking goodness, this is so freaking exciting! they actually notice me" and doing the happy dance in my head. I mean, how pathetic is your life when you’re actually glad to be monumentally embarrassed in front of the guy of your dreams because at least it means he knows you're alive. I’ll give you the answer, pretty damn pathetic, but you probably already knew that.

       As is my cross to bear, however, the fame didn’t last long for, only moments after my acrobatic display, the final bell shepherded my “adoring” public into the cages of education we call classrooms. Under normal circumstances, I would have joined the masses, rushing into the long white buildings that were our prison cells for the next five hours or so. In fact, I was usually the first to get class in the morning, since I was always eager to have the chance to sit next to that unnamed boy and stare at him wistfully for a whole, mostly uninterrupted, hour and a half. Besides, first period is the only class I actually have anything to say in and the teacher Mr. Price isn’t a total loser so he totally tries to make the class as fun as possible. However, with my head now bleeding slightly, I decided to take a detour to the nurse’s office and get myself cleaned up.