Seems like a simple command; just seven letters, two words (and an exclamation point if you really want to emphasize it). But, the concept of asking represents a confrontation with the unknown, an end to the mysteries that you are able to construct into your fantasies and a forced recognition of the realities you've tried so hard to pretend weren't there. Sure, sometimes you get the answer you're looking for, but usually, you haven't asked because a piece of you is saying that you already know the answer isn't what you want. I mean, we are intuitive beings, capable of understanding subtlety and nuance in our relationships to others. Why then do we insist that we cannot discern the answers to our desires and our fears without asking?
Okay, I know, not everybody reacts the same way or uses the same cues or whatever. Let's face it, there isn't some universally acknowledged book of romantic behaviors that we can refer to whenever we are unsure if something is meant platonically or not (someone really should get on that though.) So, yeah, there's room for interpretation and there's room for miscommunication and all of that. But, at the end of the day, if you have to ask, you aren't getting what you need from the relationship initially. Sure, you may be telling yourself that you just can't read him and maybe he just doesn't get you and you let one right move discount a hundred wrong ones.
I don't blame you. We all do it. We disguise our hurt and our sense of failure with elaborate explanations that we build up into facades around the harsh truths we've deemed too difficult to face. So, we push ourselves to ask, knowing that we don't have the courage to do so, because needing to ask suggests that there is still a choice in the answer and that we haven't found closure yet. Yeah, people always harp about how important closure is, but the truth is closure is the ultimate betrayal of our innate desire to convince ourselves that we don't know, that we can't know, and therefore we are able to write our own version of reality clouded with the underlying desires we try to pretend no longer affect us.
Ultimately, the command to ask, to find out the truth, is just another safety net to protect ourselves from falling head first into the realizations that deep down we've already confronted. The answers that we find when we ask are not the disappointments of surprise but the destructions of the dream state that we perpetuate for our own wellbeing. So, we will continue to push ourselves to ask, leaving the question lingering in the space between what we will accept as true and what we fear is true, an abyss of hopes and desires that are shrouded in the fears of deep-rooted intuition. The question doesn't seek an answer, it seeks the postponement of the inevitable confrontation between the dreams that we have wasted our time building up around ourselves and the underlying realities that have stopped us from knocking on the door in the first place.
XOXO
E
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