The Nobody Chronicles: Chapter Four (part three)

           So basically, I get into my room, checking my phone every two seconds (even though the ringer is on high and the vibrate is on so if anything was happening with the phone I would know without having to check it like it was my heart monitor or something,) and I plopped down on my bed feeling pretty damn lousy.

            I mean, I totally hate days like today. You know, the up and down rollercoaster days. Like, I can totally deal with a day that is just blechy or whatever, but I can’t stand those days where like something horrible happens and then something awesome happens, so you totally get your hopes up and then nothing at all happens, so your left with this sorta empty feeling even though you should be feeling happy about the awesome thing that happened. That was me today.

            Sure, the falling in front of him and the rest of the popular crew was super embarrassing, but then to have him talk to me and ask for my phone number and all that awesomeness. Seriously, of all the moments I’ve had in high school, that hallway conversation definitely falls in the top five. But instead of floating on freaking cloud nine and feeling all bubbly inside, like that time Deanna and I accidentally downed a bottle of Manischevitz at Passover thinking it was grape juice, I’m feeling totally let down, like later that night when the Manischevitz made its comeback.

            Why hadn’t he texted? Okay, so I know what you're totally thinking right now, and yes I am 100%, undeniably one of those obnoxious needy girls. I don’t even feel like I have to deny it. I mean, sure when I talk to my friends and stuff I totally try to disguise it and subdue the little miniature of myself that hangs out inside my head and starts ripping the hair out of her skull as soon as someone stops including me in the conversation, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know that I’m needy. 

            I figure every teenage girl has her secret crazy that she tries to hide from her friends at school, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t aware of what that crazy is. Sure, I may have a little more crazy tucked away then most people, but guess that’s just the luck of the draw. Some girls get enlarged mammary glands (that’s boobies for you non-scientific folk) and I got enlarged insanity glands (those aren’t real for you scientific folk). Guess you win some and you lose some. But seriously, any teenage girl who tells you that she is totally normal probably pours glues on her hands every night and peels it off slowly so she feels like she is a caterpillar shedding her cocoon and emerging as a beautiful butterfly. (Oh, and no I’m so not speaking from experience with that one but now that I’ve said it sounds like a kinda cool idea.)

Keep Reading - There MIGHT Be Something Good

       Ever feel like your life is one of those teaser trailers? You know, the ones that come out like a millennia before the movie is actually going to be released and shows you about 20 seconds of undistinguishable footage but never actually tells you anything about the movie at all? I mean, it's like all this buildup and expectation that never really progresses anywhere. Basically, you're just sorta existing in this limbo and hoping that eventually you'll find your way to the main event that you have just been anticipating for your entire life.
      Like, 98% of our lives are spent pursuing these goals that we always seem to get right up close to but never actually reach. Truth is, most of the time we are the ones who pull ourselves away at the last second, afraid of jumping off the cliff for that rope fearing the possible chance of falling. Of course, it's not like we would admit to ourselves that that's what we are doing because, that would make it vastly more difficult to blame everyone else for our problems.
      In the long run, however, it isn't the self-deprication that stings the worst, it's the possibility that we didn't take that jump because somehow we already knew what the outcome would be and that outcome was falling splat on the life's floor, broken and in need of serious repairs. And what happens then? I mean, in reality we would rather admit that it was something we did wrong, that it was our choice, then entertain the possibility that there was nothing to grab onto at all, that the decision had been made for us.
    For it is the "could-not-have beens" that burn a hole in our brains and keep us up at night tossing and turning. It is the truths that we try so hard to hide from ourselves so that we can continue to believe in some dream. Sadly, at the end of the day, it's not like this method succeeds in hurting us any less, it just hurts us differently. You know, instead of rejection and embarrassment, we only have to deal with the rejection. We can pretend on the outside that we haven't been hurt, fake that smile, and deal with all the emotions internally.
     Of course, this method also doesn't help us to grow and progress. Instead, we are caught in a loop of "previously seen on" material that only reflects and never actually gives us anything to keep coming back for. Yet, it isn't like we live in the past. Rather, we live in some alternate reality where nothing real ever happens to us. Instead, we get to create our own truth, our own successes and our own failures, all from the safety of our own minds. It is more comfortable to live in a world of silently created disappointment then to venture into a world where we have no control.
    So, here we are, stuck in some fantasy world where we suffer and triumph just as we would in the real world, but we do not share those victories and defeats for fear of judgement. Living there is not to protect us from feeling pain, but rather from the power of others to cause that pain.

             XOXO
                            E