Blah blah "THAT GUY"...again

        He’s baaaack! And yes, if you read that in a creepy, horror movie-esque voice (hopefully followed by some sort of accompaniment from the Chuckie or Jaws soundtrack) you were absolutely correct. Now, you’d think that by now, about a year since I last posted about “that guy” I’d have figured some things out, gotten a better handle on the whole “that guy” situation. Unfortunately, I have not.

        See, the thing about “that guy” is he never appears in the same form twice. Rather, he’s like some mutated virus, worming his way into your system under the guise of some variation on his true self and you don’t know what’s happened until you’re stuck in bed for days on end with a bad case of the “he loves me, he loves me nots.”

        Why is it that “that guy” always seems to keep you guessing, flip-flopping between being head over heels in love with him and ready to write him off completely? I mean seriously, you’d think that every victim of “that guy” would wind up in some sort of mental institution from the sheer exhaust of having to analyze and re-analyze his every little mood until you wind up just as confused as when you started.

        To make matters worse, “that guy” seems to consistently remain blissfully unaware of all the pain he is causing, which also means he is probably completely blind to the fact that you actually like him. This of course, only makes you fret about the whole situation more because you can’t fathom the fact that he hasn’t figured it out by now (because seriously how dumb do you have to be?) and if he isn’t dumb than he must have figured it out and if he has and he hasn’t made a move than he must not feel the same.

        The problem with that, though, is I honestly don’t believe that you can feel something romantic that isn’t reciprocated. Sure, you can feel sexual attraction that isn’t mutual – there are plenty of celebrities who I find absolutely sexy but am fairly certain they don’t feel the same way -  but, how could you possibly spend hours upon hours with a person, laughing, sharing your lives, and then start to a feel a connection with them that isn’t there?

        I know, this may just be a lot of wishful thinking, like I’ve said, it’s hard to think straight when you’ve found yourself caught in the web of the newest “that guy” but I truly have to believe that feelings like this are mutual and it’s just a matter of one person or the other (and by that I definitely mean "that guy") getting the balls to make a move.

        Sure, people always say “I’d hate to ruin the friendship,” (or whatever other crap they delude themselves into believing makes sense for not doing what it is that everybody, except of course they themselves, can tell you both want) but can you really have a friendship that is founded on both of you holding back some part of yourself? The truth is, if a relationship or the potential for a relationship is going to ruin the friendship, it probably wasn’t that good of a friendship in the first place (which I know is cliche - but hey! it's cliche cause it makes sense so deal with it!)

        Now, I know that this is much easier said then done. Hell, even after writing this I’m no closer to making a move on my latest “that guy” or confessing my true feelings for him. Instead, I’m gonna wind up continuing down this make-you-want-to-pull-your hair out road where I spend all my time with him wondering why he isn’t making a move and all my time without him wondering whether or not there was some signal I missed when I was with him that screwed everything up.

        It’s a good thing spring is on it’s way, I’m gonna need a whole lot of flower petals to figure this one out.

                     

                       XOXO

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So I'm Older...When Does the Wise Happen?

            So I’ve been gone for about six months now (hopefully I did the math right), but if you are expecting this to suddenly become a blog about a mature human being with a handle on her life and her rapidly changing emotional states, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  But, I mean, let’s be real, that would be a far less interesting blog. Nobody wants to hear about other people’s happiness, all that does is remind you how suckish your life is.

            Okay, so that may not be entirely fair to those of you who may actually have some of your life figured out, but I can’t help but feel a bit of misplaced anger towards those happy few. I mean, I recently turned 20 (woohoo – not!) and although that may not be considered old for most, that is a BIG DEAL! Sure, I’m not about to be shipped off to the nursing home (although a college dorm is a similar experience of mostly out of it people who whine about losing contact with the friends they used to spend time with) but I’m not exactly playing in the sandbox either.

            Here’s the thing about turning 20. In actuality, I have basically my entire life ahead of me. You know, I’m still in school, not yet living on my own and having to find a way to pay my own way, blah blah blah. But that’s really the kind of answer you get from parents and grandparents and other “old” people because they are just wistfully wishing they had the same opportunity to be at the start of something.

           But seriously?! Come on, do they even remember how freaking hard it is to get something started? Sure, 20 means we're at the onset of starting our lives, but that’s just it, we’re at the onset, we’re supposed to be poised to start something, at the gate and just waiting for the gun to go off so we can start our dash toward the finish line. But what happens when you aren’t ready at 20, huh? What happens when you reach 20 and you’re like “Holy Shit! I’m already freaking 20 and I am nowhere NEAR where I thought I would be by the time I got to 20”?

            People always say “As you get older you get wiser” Now, no offense to the people that always say that, but that is absolutely ridiculous. The only thing that happens as you get older is that you realize how few of your goals you’ve actually fulfilled and how completely unprepared you are to continue to grow older. I mean, we all are going to age, that’s the way that life works, but growing wiser, well, that’s really a choice that we each need to make.

Having more experiences doesn’t necessarily make you better prepared to handle those same experiences. Hell, I sometimes feel like I’m constantly repeating the same situations with the exact same results. Sure, afterwards I can recognize what the hell was going, in fact most of the time I can recognize it during, but choosing to act differently isn’t just a matter of understanding how your screwing it up, it’s also about being willing and able to make an actual change.

Being older doesn’t mean that you are wiser, it just means that you’ve had more opportunities to make the choice to change and (a lot of the time) that just means you’ve had more opportunities to make the same mistakes.

                               XOXO
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